What's bad for me

Lately I've been running around in circles on what is bad for me. Some things are easy to dicipher: too much soda, too much chocolate. Unfortunately one bad thing keeps coming up but I still haven't made a real decision. I should follow the example before me and just do it. However hard and however cruel, it is sometimes needed and has to be done. But, as this has been in my life for years and hasn't always been bad. Actually it's been a blessing (if I believed in blessings) so it's hard for me to truly cut ties.

Unfortunately, looking at the past few years (especially this year) it is clear that there is a problem and it is not being fixed. However many times it has been addressed, and words were spoken. Feelings have been made known and sadly been bruised. Nothing has truly been changed, maybe more landmine were created and this small problem became too big for some friendships to survive. That is what I'm dealing with, is this problem too big for me to survive and keep what I hope was wonderful together?

Maybe this problem is too big, because it is only a true problem for me and everything else is just words to make me feel better. So many things and people are telling that this problem will not be fixed because it is only a problem for me. That unfortunately what I thought was the best thing for me is really one sided. Part of me doesn't believe this but as nothing truly has changed it's becoming the only thing I could believe in.

It might be because I'm getting bitter, and I don't like it, that this is becoming too apparent for me that this is not good for me right now. I do know this is eating at me, but I'm not ready or willing to cut ties completely because I still care deeply for what is clearly not good for me right now. And maybe I'm wrong and if I hang on this will be fixed. But as people have told me this is a behavioral problem that I have been enabling maybe I will have to distance myself to find out what I really want to do...or even need to do.

Maybe I haven't been a good friend and been irresponsible because I've allowed myself to walked on, however unintentionally on both sides. I think, for now, I need the distance.

Relationships

I know, I'm posting a lot here, but this is what I've been thinking about and I finally am writing it down. So I found out a week ago I like this boy. Now I'm freaking. I didn't know that I liked him until my co-worker and good friend Kim told me, "I think you like him."

I said, "no!"

She replied, "you talked about him all the time."

Well, it turns out I like him, who knew? Well, Kim did (but I didn't). Now what am I going to do? I don't know. The last time I LIKED a boy was five years ago, and he was gay.

What the hell do I do now?

Too fat

So I tell my mom and sister that I lost two more pounds and my mom had to chime in, "That's it?"

I told her coldly, "that's two more pounds, for a total of 9 pounds. I don't want to lose more than two pounds a week so I'm at my goal." Sometimes my mom is not supportive and pretty cruel.

Precious

So this weekend my parents wanted to see a movie, and we talked about Avatar, the Blind Side, and Precious. So my mom asks, "What's Precious?"

So I tell her, "it's about a girl moving up, getting an education," and I give her the back ground of the sad story. Then I add that her father rapes her.

My mom sai, "only this ugliness happens in America. In the Philippines maybe it's the stepdad but it would never be a close family member." My sister and I quickly denied this, both knowing she's wrong.

If only she knew, right? Should I have told her then? Or is keeping my mouth shut still the right thing to do? I don't know why it hurt me so much when she makes comments like that, but oh well. Life sucks sometimes, I will do what I always do and get past it.

Vegas, Baby

So much has happened, but Vegas was awesome. A quick recap: I married an Aquifino bottle, drank, partied, and hung out with my sisters! I had an excellent time, but I wish I did the shows. Oh well, nothing is perfect, especially me...

This is a set of pictures with Santa.

My sisters and I ready to have some fun.

Chey being silly with that horse from Toy Story 2, what's his name?

Pretty, and so jealous!

Too bad she didn't win, that would have been fun!

The French Martini, yum, The cake is good too.

Is something on my back?

Just Married!

Go Chey!

Buffet at the Wynn, so good!

All I need is de than it would have been my whole name...next time the search for de.

Chey's first drink...in Vegas.

The hotel we stayed at....not the best, but alright.

Funny, I don't remember this, maybe I was up front with the cab driver.

Bye Vegas, we had fun!

A poem

I found this poem I wrote when I was looking for poems for Amy to post for her school.

The Visit Home

Time pivots and memories flash
Innocence lost on a trip to visit where
her family comes from.

The abandoned building, the greenery, the beauty
that is Baguio.
The dirt, the rocks biting in her back
The horror, the danger, and destruction
of this one moment.

Trust lost, and darkness gained.
A spiral of shame
soon to be out of control
The darkest moment this girl will ever know.

Faith tested, dreams lost
Weakness and hate fills her heart
Even with strength she never knew
Is gained from this one moment.

Regrets, commitment issues, an aloofness
A coldness, this girl will always have to deal with
Grows and buries deep
As he forces himself into her innocence.

Her first visit home is forever tainted
Two kids chatting as he leads her
To the worst place I will ever know.

I think I'm broken

Financially, work wise, school wise I'm doing great. I mostly ignore that relationship wise if I'm not broken, I'm not a traditionalist. I think I'm reflecting too much on this but there is a voice in my head, especially at night, and that is in my dreams and that is in my writings, that whispers "I'm broken".

I probably will deny this, or joke about it, but I see truth in this. It scares me that I may never be whole.

Love is in the Air

I am excited, happy and joyful that my best friends have found great boyfriends! I love that they are happy, and have someone special.

A small, really small, seed inside of me wonders what it would be like to have a real girl/boyfriend. One that is not friends with benefits, a one night/week stand. Someone to call my own.

I don't think I'm ready, I think I will hurt the person who tries. A part of me is still broken. Not really from being raped, it is more like that I saw how relationships have destroyed people I loved. How they have good lives, but not the extrodinary they could have had.

I want the extrodinary, I want the dream. I want to be in love, but a part of think thinks I will lose my dreams. I love my dreams, and until I meet someone with the same dreams I think I will fight. I think I will still be broken.

I wonder

I am grateful for my life, every up and ever down. I love what I have: my health, my friends, my family, and all that. I wonder though, what might have been. Where would I have been if I allowed myself to love (and love completely)? Would I be like my sisters? Would I have kids? Would I have had my heart broken many times? Or would I have found the love of my life? I have questions, but then I remember I am strong, independent, and doesn't need love to complete myself. Even knowing that I wonder.

I love Joss Whedon

I think I am on a Joss Whedon kick. This weekend I watched all of Season 7 of Buffy, 5 episodes of Angel season 5, 2 episodes of Buffy season 1, and all of Dr. Horrible Sing-Along Blog. Now all I have to do is watch Firefly/Serenity, and Dollhouse. Hmmm, Dollhouse. I need to buy it soon.

Serenity is the best movie ever.

I need to get my Firefly season back, soon!

Relationships

I'm not sure if it is the chase or a commitment phobia thing, but either way I have noticed once I get a person interested in me my feels dissipate. There has been a few times when wasn't the case, but it is the norm.

It is very possible that right away I know that the boy or girl I am talking to is not the right person for me. I meet this boy/man who is into business but once we made out it was like no. I am so not interested.

I think, I put myself out there and I let the boy/girl take the lead, but if they reach a certain point (which they always do) I stop liking them. I think, sometimes I want someone who puts the stops and I don't have to. I have never had that, and I guess I am waiting for him/her.

I want someone who likes business, Joss Whedon, who didn't vote yes on prop 8, and anime. I think, I am too picky but at the same time I know I will meet the right person. I feel it deep inside me, and I know I haven't meet that person yet.

I am trying not to let my committment phoebia lead me, but the more I try to stop it I think I don't have a problem, I just haven't meet the right person. I'm going to still give people a chance but I am pretty sure I haven't meet the right person, or the person isn't ready for me.