Too fat

So I tell my mom and sister that I lost two more pounds and my mom had to chime in, "That's it?"

I told her coldly, "that's two more pounds, for a total of 9 pounds. I don't want to lose more than two pounds a week so I'm at my goal." Sometimes my mom is not supportive and pretty cruel.

Precious

So this weekend my parents wanted to see a movie, and we talked about Avatar, the Blind Side, and Precious. So my mom asks, "What's Precious?"

So I tell her, "it's about a girl moving up, getting an education," and I give her the back ground of the sad story. Then I add that her father rapes her.

My mom sai, "only this ugliness happens in America. In the Philippines maybe it's the stepdad but it would never be a close family member." My sister and I quickly denied this, both knowing she's wrong.

If only she knew, right? Should I have told her then? Or is keeping my mouth shut still the right thing to do? I don't know why it hurt me so much when she makes comments like that, but oh well. Life sucks sometimes, I will do what I always do and get past it.

Vegas, Baby

So much has happened, but Vegas was awesome. A quick recap: I married an Aquifino bottle, drank, partied, and hung out with my sisters! I had an excellent time, but I wish I did the shows. Oh well, nothing is perfect, especially me...

This is a set of pictures with Santa.

My sisters and I ready to have some fun.

Chey being silly with that horse from Toy Story 2, what's his name?

Pretty, and so jealous!

Too bad she didn't win, that would have been fun!

The French Martini, yum, The cake is good too.

Is something on my back?

Just Married!

Go Chey!

Buffet at the Wynn, so good!

All I need is de than it would have been my whole name...next time the search for de.

Chey's first drink...in Vegas.

The hotel we stayed at....not the best, but alright.

Funny, I don't remember this, maybe I was up front with the cab driver.

Bye Vegas, we had fun!

A poem

I found this poem I wrote when I was looking for poems for Amy to post for her school.

The Visit Home

Time pivots and memories flash
Innocence lost on a trip to visit where
her family comes from.

The abandoned building, the greenery, the beauty
that is Baguio.
The dirt, the rocks biting in her back
The horror, the danger, and destruction
of this one moment.

Trust lost, and darkness gained.
A spiral of shame
soon to be out of control
The darkest moment this girl will ever know.

Faith tested, dreams lost
Weakness and hate fills her heart
Even with strength she never knew
Is gained from this one moment.

Regrets, commitment issues, an aloofness
A coldness, this girl will always have to deal with
Grows and buries deep
As he forces himself into her innocence.

Her first visit home is forever tainted
Two kids chatting as he leads her
To the worst place I will ever know.

This weekend rocked

We celebrated Kelley's b-day and it was so fun! We went to Lumpy's, and Sweet Tomato. We (Kelley, Robin and I) played the best joke ever! We Facebooked that we were congratulating Amy and Sean. And everyone thought marriage. We also sent photos of wedding dresses and invitations. It was a blast!

I think I'm broken

Financially, work wise, school wise I'm doing great. I mostly ignore that relationship wise if I'm not broken, I'm not a traditionalist. I think I'm reflecting too much on this but there is a voice in my head, especially at night, and that is in my dreams and that is in my writings, that whispers "I'm broken".

I probably will deny this, or joke about it, but I see truth in this. It scares me that I may never be whole.

Love is in the Air

I am excited, happy and joyful that my best friends have found great boyfriends! I love that they are happy, and have someone special.

A small, really small, seed inside of me wonders what it would be like to have a real girl/boyfriend. One that is not friends with benefits, a one night/week stand. Someone to call my own.

I don't think I'm ready, I think I will hurt the person who tries. A part of me is still broken. Not really from being raped, it is more like that I saw how relationships have destroyed people I loved. How they have good lives, but not the extrodinary they could have had.

I want the extrodinary, I want the dream. I want to be in love, but a part of think thinks I will lose my dreams. I love my dreams, and until I meet someone with the same dreams I think I will fight. I think I will still be broken.