This weekend rocked

We celebrated Kelley's b-day and it was so fun! We went to Lumpy's, and Sweet Tomato. We (Kelley, Robin and I) played the best joke ever! We Facebooked that we were congratulating Amy and Sean. And everyone thought marriage. We also sent photos of wedding dresses and invitations. It was a blast!

I think I'm broken

Financially, work wise, school wise I'm doing great. I mostly ignore that relationship wise if I'm not broken, I'm not a traditionalist. I think I'm reflecting too much on this but there is a voice in my head, especially at night, and that is in my dreams and that is in my writings, that whispers "I'm broken".

I probably will deny this, or joke about it, but I see truth in this. It scares me that I may never be whole.

Love is in the Air

I am excited, happy and joyful that my best friends have found great boyfriends! I love that they are happy, and have someone special.

A small, really small, seed inside of me wonders what it would be like to have a real girl/boyfriend. One that is not friends with benefits, a one night/week stand. Someone to call my own.

I don't think I'm ready, I think I will hurt the person who tries. A part of me is still broken. Not really from being raped, it is more like that I saw how relationships have destroyed people I loved. How they have good lives, but not the extrodinary they could have had.

I want the extrodinary, I want the dream. I want to be in love, but a part of think thinks I will lose my dreams. I love my dreams, and until I meet someone with the same dreams I think I will fight. I think I will still be broken.

Beaches

Going to the beach tomorrow, I'm so excited. It should be fun.

Relationships

I might be using Michelle as a crutch so that I don't have a real relationship, because I already have one. Not really one, I mean how real can it be? I date, but no it can't be serious because I'm with someone. I think, I need to end it even though I don't want to. I want something real and solid and the thing with Michelle isn't. And, it can't be for right now.

Uncomfortable

How do you break the news? How do you say something that is true and hurtful? Do you bury it? Or do you own up to it? I am so open about somethings, except when it hurts people I love.

I wonder

I am grateful for my life, every up and ever down. I love what I have: my health, my friends, my family, and all that. I wonder though, what might have been. Where would I have been if I allowed myself to love (and love completely)? Would I be like my sisters? Would I have kids? Would I have had my heart broken many times? Or would I have found the love of my life? I have questions, but then I remember I am strong, independent, and doesn't need love to complete myself. Even knowing that I wonder.