Sunday, January 3, 2010

I'm not Broken

People would say that what happened when I was fourteen is the cause of my issues. I now know for certainty that is not true, I think I would be more messed up without it. However fucked up that is. Today, an hour or two ago my world hit a curve ball. I just found out some things tonight that makes me want to cry and cry and cry...

I think if I allowed myself the tears would not stop. I would be in a deep depression, become fat, cold, and uncaring. But as I learned when I was raped and when I was suicidal that if I just hold on, this emotion will end; I will be all right. I just have to deal with the right now: shed my tears, mourn what I lost, and accept what is, what isn't, and what could never be.

I have to understand and accept the failings of people, and even though you trust them they are human (just as me) with the same failings.

Apart of me has unhinged today, but it did not break me, as my rape did (and that did not last, I was eventually healed) I will be okay. I will be less trusting, at least for a little while. I have to let this bad emotion go as it is not good for me.

I will not let this destroy me. I will weep and scream, and a part of me that loves and trusts is wobbling, but not even that love and trust is not broken.

I am not broken and I haven't been for a while. I will not allow myself to be ever broken again.

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