What's bad for me

Lately I've been running around in circles on what is bad for me. Some things are easy to dicipher: too much soda, too much chocolate. Unfortunately one bad thing keeps coming up but I still haven't made a real decision. I should follow the example before me and just do it. However hard and however cruel, it is sometimes needed and has to be done. But, as this has been in my life for years and hasn't always been bad. Actually it's been a blessing (if I believed in blessings) so it's hard for me to truly cut ties.

Unfortunately, looking at the past few years (especially this year) it is clear that there is a problem and it is not being fixed. However many times it has been addressed, and words were spoken. Feelings have been made known and sadly been bruised. Nothing has truly been changed, maybe more landmine were created and this small problem became too big for some friendships to survive. That is what I'm dealing with, is this problem too big for me to survive and keep what I hope was wonderful together?

Maybe this problem is too big, because it is only a true problem for me and everything else is just words to make me feel better. So many things and people are telling that this problem will not be fixed because it is only a problem for me. That unfortunately what I thought was the best thing for me is really one sided. Part of me doesn't believe this but as nothing truly has changed it's becoming the only thing I could believe in.

It might be because I'm getting bitter, and I don't like it, that this is becoming too apparent for me that this is not good for me right now. I do know this is eating at me, but I'm not ready or willing to cut ties completely because I still care deeply for what is clearly not good for me right now. And maybe I'm wrong and if I hang on this will be fixed. But as people have told me this is a behavioral problem that I have been enabling maybe I will have to distance myself to find out what I really want to do...or even need to do.

Maybe I haven't been a good friend and been irresponsible because I've allowed myself to walked on, however unintentionally on both sides. I think, for now, I need the distance.

New Years

This is going to be a tame New Years for me: cleaning my room, laundry, hanging out with my parents, eating lumpia and my mom's chicken. Not too bad, and very different from the last few years!

Dreams

So for the last two nights I've had dreams of being raped. Different scenarios and not at all emotionally draining, but does make me wonder why?

Plans for 2010

I guess it is time for New Years Resolutions: blah!!!!

The only three resolutions I'm going to make is:
1. Do what I've always said I'm going to do, but never did. (ie lose weight, go to Alaska, go to Italy, finish my Bachalor's Degree)
2. Live for the day, but also plan for tomorrow.
3. Cut the things that are not good for me.

That's pretty much it for my New Years Resolutions. I'm going to follow what my bestest, smartest, and most wonderful friend said: "this is a New Year, New Decade, make it the best one so far!"

I know that these resolutions are not going to be easy but I think I'll manage. I may even do all three of them. We will see next year how well I did!

Eye Doctor

I have an eye doctor's appointment tomorrow at 10 am, so why am I awake at 1 am? I don't know. I have to get contacts tomorrow because if I don't I will lose $150 worth of savings. So I have to spend $10 to save $150, does that make any sense? What is our healthcare coming too? Buying in excess so we don't waste. URG!

Merry Christmas!

Hanging out with family and having so much fun!

Relationships

I know, I'm posting a lot here, but this is what I've been thinking about and I finally am writing it down. So I found out a week ago I like this boy. Now I'm freaking. I didn't know that I liked him until my co-worker and good friend Kim told me, "I think you like him."

I said, "no!"

She replied, "you talked about him all the time."

Well, it turns out I like him, who knew? Well, Kim did (but I didn't). Now what am I going to do? I don't know. The last time I LIKED a boy was five years ago, and he was gay.

What the hell do I do now?

Too fat

So I tell my mom and sister that I lost two more pounds and my mom had to chime in, "That's it?"

I told her coldly, "that's two more pounds, for a total of 9 pounds. I don't want to lose more than two pounds a week so I'm at my goal." Sometimes my mom is not supportive and pretty cruel.

Precious

So this weekend my parents wanted to see a movie, and we talked about Avatar, the Blind Side, and Precious. So my mom asks, "What's Precious?"

So I tell her, "it's about a girl moving up, getting an education," and I give her the back ground of the sad story. Then I add that her father rapes her.

My mom sai, "only this ugliness happens in America. In the Philippines maybe it's the stepdad but it would never be a close family member." My sister and I quickly denied this, both knowing she's wrong.

If only she knew, right? Should I have told her then? Or is keeping my mouth shut still the right thing to do? I don't know why it hurt me so much when she makes comments like that, but oh well. Life sucks sometimes, I will do what I always do and get past it.

Vegas, Baby

So much has happened, but Vegas was awesome. A quick recap: I married an Aquifino bottle, drank, partied, and hung out with my sisters! I had an excellent time, but I wish I did the shows. Oh well, nothing is perfect, especially me...

This is a set of pictures with Santa.

My sisters and I ready to have some fun.

Chey being silly with that horse from Toy Story 2, what's his name?

Pretty, and so jealous!

Too bad she didn't win, that would have been fun!

The French Martini, yum, The cake is good too.

Is something on my back?

Just Married!

Go Chey!

Buffet at the Wynn, so good!

All I need is de than it would have been my whole name...next time the search for de.

Chey's first drink...in Vegas.

The hotel we stayed at....not the best, but alright.

Funny, I don't remember this, maybe I was up front with the cab driver.

Bye Vegas, we had fun!

A poem

I found this poem I wrote when I was looking for poems for Amy to post for her school.

The Visit Home

Time pivots and memories flash
Innocence lost on a trip to visit where
her family comes from.

The abandoned building, the greenery, the beauty
that is Baguio.
The dirt, the rocks biting in her back
The horror, the danger, and destruction
of this one moment.

Trust lost, and darkness gained.
A spiral of shame
soon to be out of control
The darkest moment this girl will ever know.

Faith tested, dreams lost
Weakness and hate fills her heart
Even with strength she never knew
Is gained from this one moment.

Regrets, commitment issues, an aloofness
A coldness, this girl will always have to deal with
Grows and buries deep
As he forces himself into her innocence.

Her first visit home is forever tainted
Two kids chatting as he leads her
To the worst place I will ever know.

This weekend rocked

We celebrated Kelley's b-day and it was so fun! We went to Lumpy's, and Sweet Tomato. We (Kelley, Robin and I) played the best joke ever! We Facebooked that we were congratulating Amy and Sean. And everyone thought marriage. We also sent photos of wedding dresses and invitations. It was a blast!

I think I'm broken

Financially, work wise, school wise I'm doing great. I mostly ignore that relationship wise if I'm not broken, I'm not a traditionalist. I think I'm reflecting too much on this but there is a voice in my head, especially at night, and that is in my dreams and that is in my writings, that whispers "I'm broken".

I probably will deny this, or joke about it, but I see truth in this. It scares me that I may never be whole.

Love is in the Air

I am excited, happy and joyful that my best friends have found great boyfriends! I love that they are happy, and have someone special.

A small, really small, seed inside of me wonders what it would be like to have a real girl/boyfriend. One that is not friends with benefits, a one night/week stand. Someone to call my own.

I don't think I'm ready, I think I will hurt the person who tries. A part of me is still broken. Not really from being raped, it is more like that I saw how relationships have destroyed people I loved. How they have good lives, but not the extrodinary they could have had.

I want the extrodinary, I want the dream. I want to be in love, but a part of think thinks I will lose my dreams. I love my dreams, and until I meet someone with the same dreams I think I will fight. I think I will still be broken.

Beaches

Going to the beach tomorrow, I'm so excited. It should be fun.

Relationships

I might be using Michelle as a crutch so that I don't have a real relationship, because I already have one. Not really one, I mean how real can it be? I date, but no it can't be serious because I'm with someone. I think, I need to end it even though I don't want to. I want something real and solid and the thing with Michelle isn't. And, it can't be for right now.

Uncomfortable

How do you break the news? How do you say something that is true and hurtful? Do you bury it? Or do you own up to it? I am so open about somethings, except when it hurts people I love.

I wonder

I am grateful for my life, every up and ever down. I love what I have: my health, my friends, my family, and all that. I wonder though, what might have been. Where would I have been if I allowed myself to love (and love completely)? Would I be like my sisters? Would I have kids? Would I have had my heart broken many times? Or would I have found the love of my life? I have questions, but then I remember I am strong, independent, and doesn't need love to complete myself. Even knowing that I wonder.

Stock Classes

I am excited about going to the stock class. I'm kinda nervous going by myself, but in an excited sort of way. A part of me feels like I will meet people like me, who has taken the jump and want to invest and do business. We will see how it goes, but as of right now I am excited.

Hanging out with Mariane

Watching Gilmore Girls, hanging out with Xaiden, eating Rice Krispie treats delicious. Yummy, yummy! My writing block is also almost gone. Very good day.

I think I have a crush with this sweet man, a semi-serious crush. I don't know what to do about this. Oh well, I will just have to see where this is going. I'm not sure if I like him or am just attracted to him. It could be a mixture of the two, it is too soon to tell.

No Doubt

No Doubt was soooo awesome! I loved there concert! I bought a T-shirt and a $5 soda, and it was sooo fun. Hang out with my sisters was so much fun. It makes me want to go to other concerts like Nickelback, Toby Keith, and Brad Paisley.




This is there last song, the encore. I love No Doubt.

It was so crowded and the atmosphere was the best.

Waiting between the Paramore and No Doubt, what to do but take pictures of ourselves.

The Paramore is a great band, damn it (I have to get there CD and new CD).

On the drive to the Sleep Train. This is when we all have our make-up still on.

I can't wait for my next concert!

Peaks and Valleys

I just got a new books called Peaks and Valleys by Spencer Johnson, M.D. The author from Who Moved My Cheese? What I read so far is amazing.

Writing Stories

My story is doing well. I have been writing a little bit every day. It is going slower than I would like but hopefully I will be done in 5 years. LOL and j/k. I hope to have my story done by the end of 2010. I am striving to do everything I planned to do in the future. My ten year class reunion is coming up. I don't want what is on my list now to be on my 20th class reunion. We will see how it goes.

I love Joss Whedon

I think I am on a Joss Whedon kick. This weekend I watched all of Season 7 of Buffy, 5 episodes of Angel season 5, 2 episodes of Buffy season 1, and all of Dr. Horrible Sing-Along Blog. Now all I have to do is watch Firefly/Serenity, and Dollhouse. Hmmm, Dollhouse. I need to buy it soon.

Serenity is the best movie ever.

I need to get my Firefly season back, soon!

Relationships

I'm not sure if it is the chase or a commitment phobia thing, but either way I have noticed once I get a person interested in me my feels dissipate. There has been a few times when wasn't the case, but it is the norm.

It is very possible that right away I know that the boy or girl I am talking to is not the right person for me. I meet this boy/man who is into business but once we made out it was like no. I am so not interested.

I think, I put myself out there and I let the boy/girl take the lead, but if they reach a certain point (which they always do) I stop liking them. I think, sometimes I want someone who puts the stops and I don't have to. I have never had that, and I guess I am waiting for him/her.

I want someone who likes business, Joss Whedon, who didn't vote yes on prop 8, and anime. I think, I am too picky but at the same time I know I will meet the right person. I feel it deep inside me, and I know I haven't meet that person yet.

I am trying not to let my committment phoebia lead me, but the more I try to stop it I think I don't have a problem, I just haven't meet the right person. I'm going to still give people a chance but I am pretty sure I haven't meet the right person, or the person isn't ready for me.

A moment of weakness

It is funny how certain unrelated events can bring bac memories, good or bad. In my case, yesterday, it was the bad. I was sent back in time and I was 14 years olds and and 2 months and being raped all over again. It has been 13 years and 7 months since it happen and yesterday I had to relive it again.

Most of it is usually hazy, almost like a bad dream that didn't happened. It happened to a naive girl that I have no connection to. A girl who went a little crazy, and did some fun but wild things. A girl who found religion at the age of 17 and it made her face her demons and gave her the strength she was looking for to forgive and to move on.

For the past ten years, I have looked at this event that made me stronger than I would have been. An event, thus far, is the worst I have ever faced. An event that I may have wished didn't happen, but one that I don't regret. The strength I gained from it I am grateful for. The acceptance that I can do anything I want and that I can survive anything is wonderful. I am probably twisted but it doesn't bother me as much as people would believe. I am a survivor, and I am proud that I normally don't wallow in it. Though, there are times when it hits me, few and far between.

Yesterday, when we were driving through the redwoods, I had the clearest, most horrible memory. It was as if it was hidden and waiting to ruin a good day. It stabbed me and left me weak. Emotional pain shot through me. I saw, as if I was back in the Philippines, the abandoned building, the greenery. I saw both of us, two kids chatting, as he lead the stupid girl to the worst place I would ever be. I saw her, a trusting fool, not knowing what was going to happen. And, I saw my innocence ripped away. I couldn't look at the redwoods without remembering.

I hated that I remembered it so clearly, and for the first time in ten years I hated him. As I took a deep breath and went deep into myself I realized I had to face it. And still I hesitated, I forced myself to look at the beauty of nature, to let go of his face, the past, and see the here and now. I had to reaccept what happened, and to forgive him all over again. I feel strong, but there are times when I feel weak and I just want to weep and I wonder what happened to the girl who wanted children, a husband, and happy ever after.

I wonder, maybe just to myself, if it really adds to my commitment issues, my not wanting children, my sexual needs, my not depending on people, and not wanting to have a traditional life. I forget that I love my life and I have no regrets, and I wonder for just a moment, who would I be now?

This weekend rocks

I am so glad to see the twins again! I love everyone this weekend.