Thursday, December 31, 2009

What's bad for me

Lately I've been running around in circles on what is bad for me. Some things are easy to dicipher: too much soda, too much chocolate. Unfortunately one bad thing keeps coming up but I still haven't made a real decision. I should follow the example before me and just do it. However hard and however cruel, it is sometimes needed and has to be done. But, as this has been in my life for years and hasn't always been bad. Actually it's been a blessing (if I believed in blessings) so it's hard for me to truly cut ties.

Unfortunately, looking at the past few years (especially this year) it is clear that there is a problem and it is not being fixed. However many times it has been addressed, and words were spoken. Feelings have been made known and sadly been bruised. Nothing has truly been changed, maybe more landmine were created and this small problem became too big for some friendships to survive. That is what I'm dealing with, is this problem too big for me to survive and keep what I hope was wonderful together?

Maybe this problem is too big, because it is only a true problem for me and everything else is just words to make me feel better. So many things and people are telling that this problem will not be fixed because it is only a problem for me. That unfortunately what I thought was the best thing for me is really one sided. Part of me doesn't believe this but as nothing truly has changed it's becoming the only thing I could believe in.

It might be because I'm getting bitter, and I don't like it, that this is becoming too apparent for me that this is not good for me right now. I do know this is eating at me, but I'm not ready or willing to cut ties completely because I still care deeply for what is clearly not good for me right now. And maybe I'm wrong and if I hang on this will be fixed. But as people have told me this is a behavioral problem that I have been enabling maybe I will have to distance myself to find out what I really want to do...or even need to do.

Maybe I haven't been a good friend and been irresponsible because I've allowed myself to walked on, however unintentionally on both sides. I think, for now, I need the distance.

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