Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Movie Night

I forgot how good is Willow. I kind of realized somethings. Oh well, I realized how somethings can be one sided. It was a nice night though.


Love the movie, perfect gore, good storyline, a little predictable but a great movie! Hanging out with Kelley, Kawai, Robin, Juanita and her family. It was a good night.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Crazy Olymics

Last week I did the crazy Olymics. Oh my god, it was so much fun! It was nice playing games, and hanging out with good friends. I found a good friend that night and I really don't want it ruined no matter what. Even if I have to let some feelings go I really don't want that friendship ruined.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I'm not Broken

People would say that what happened when I was fourteen is the cause of my issues. I now know for certainty that is not true, I think I would be more messed up without it. However fucked up that is. Today, an hour or two ago my world hit a curve ball. I just found out some things tonight that makes me want to cry and cry and cry...

I think if I allowed myself the tears would not stop. I would be in a deep depression, become fat, cold, and uncaring. But as I learned when I was raped and when I was suicidal that if I just hold on, this emotion will end; I will be all right. I just have to deal with the right now: shed my tears, mourn what I lost, and accept what is, what isn't, and what could never be.

I have to understand and accept the failings of people, and even though you trust them they are human (just as me) with the same failings.

Apart of me has unhinged today, but it did not break me, as my rape did (and that did not last, I was eventually healed) I will be okay. I will be less trusting, at least for a little while. I have to let this bad emotion go as it is not good for me.

I will not let this destroy me. I will weep and scream, and a part of me that loves and trusts is wobbling, but not even that love and trust is not broken.

I am not broken and I haven't been for a while. I will not allow myself to be ever broken again.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Hanging out with friends, watching the movie the Hangover. I thought what a great movie! I had a wonderful time today, running errands, cleaning and watching a movie. A wonderful day!

I just thought I should capture this day and others. I really need to get a good camera to take pictures of days like this.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

What's bad for me

Lately I've been running around in circles on what is bad for me. Some things are easy to dicipher: too much soda, too much chocolate. Unfortunately one bad thing keeps coming up but I still haven't made a real decision. I should follow the example before me and just do it. However hard and however cruel, it is sometimes needed and has to be done. But, as this has been in my life for years and hasn't always been bad. Actually it's been a blessing (if I believed in blessings) so it's hard for me to truly cut ties.

Unfortunately, looking at the past few years (especially this year) it is clear that there is a problem and it is not being fixed. However many times it has been addressed, and words were spoken. Feelings have been made known and sadly been bruised. Nothing has truly been changed, maybe more landmine were created and this small problem became too big for some friendships to survive. That is what I'm dealing with, is this problem too big for me to survive and keep what I hope was wonderful together?

Maybe this problem is too big, because it is only a true problem for me and everything else is just words to make me feel better. So many things and people are telling that this problem will not be fixed because it is only a problem for me. That unfortunately what I thought was the best thing for me is really one sided. Part of me doesn't believe this but as nothing truly has changed it's becoming the only thing I could believe in.

It might be because I'm getting bitter, and I don't like it, that this is becoming too apparent for me that this is not good for me right now. I do know this is eating at me, but I'm not ready or willing to cut ties completely because I still care deeply for what is clearly not good for me right now. And maybe I'm wrong and if I hang on this will be fixed. But as people have told me this is a behavioral problem that I have been enabling maybe I will have to distance myself to find out what I really want to do...or even need to do.

Maybe I haven't been a good friend and been irresponsible because I've allowed myself to walked on, however unintentionally on both sides. I think, for now, I need the distance.

New Years

This is going to be a tame New Years for me: cleaning my room, laundry, hanging out with my parents, eating lumpia and my mom's chicken. Not too bad, and very different from the last few years!