Thursday, December 31, 2009

What's bad for me

Lately I've been running around in circles on what is bad for me. Some things are easy to dicipher: too much soda, too much chocolate. Unfortunately one bad thing keeps coming up but I still haven't made a real decision. I should follow the example before me and just do it. However hard and however cruel, it is sometimes needed and has to be done. But, as this has been in my life for years and hasn't always been bad. Actually it's been a blessing (if I believed in blessings) so it's hard for me to truly cut ties.

Unfortunately, looking at the past few years (especially this year) it is clear that there is a problem and it is not being fixed. However many times it has been addressed, and words were spoken. Feelings have been made known and sadly been bruised. Nothing has truly been changed, maybe more landmine were created and this small problem became too big for some friendships to survive. That is what I'm dealing with, is this problem too big for me to survive and keep what I hope was wonderful together?

Maybe this problem is too big, because it is only a true problem for me and everything else is just words to make me feel better. So many things and people are telling that this problem will not be fixed because it is only a problem for me. That unfortunately what I thought was the best thing for me is really one sided. Part of me doesn't believe this but as nothing truly has changed it's becoming the only thing I could believe in.

It might be because I'm getting bitter, and I don't like it, that this is becoming too apparent for me that this is not good for me right now. I do know this is eating at me, but I'm not ready or willing to cut ties completely because I still care deeply for what is clearly not good for me right now. And maybe I'm wrong and if I hang on this will be fixed. But as people have told me this is a behavioral problem that I have been enabling maybe I will have to distance myself to find out what I really want to do...or even need to do.

Maybe I haven't been a good friend and been irresponsible because I've allowed myself to walked on, however unintentionally on both sides. I think, for now, I need the distance.

New Years

This is going to be a tame New Years for me: cleaning my room, laundry, hanging out with my parents, eating lumpia and my mom's chicken. Not too bad, and very different from the last few years!


So for the last two nights I've had dreams of being raped. Different scenarios and not at all emotionally draining, but does make me wonder why?

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Plans for 2010

I guess it is time for New Years Resolutions: blah!!!!

The only three resolutions I'm going to make is:
1. Do what I've always said I'm going to do, but never did. (ie lose weight, go to Alaska, go to Italy, finish my Bachalor's Degree)
2. Live for the day, but also plan for tomorrow.
3. Cut the things that are not good for me.

That's pretty much it for my New Years Resolutions. I'm going to follow what my bestest, smartest, and most wonderful friend said: "this is a New Year, New Decade, make it the best one so far!"

I know that these resolutions are not going to be easy but I think I'll manage. I may even do all three of them. We will see next year how well I did!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Eye Doctor

I have an eye doctor's appointment tomorrow at 10 am, so why am I awake at 1 am? I don't know. I have to get contacts tomorrow because if I don't I will lose $150 worth of savings. So I have to spend $10 to save $150, does that make any sense? What is our healthcare coming too? Buying in excess so we don't waste. URG!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Hanging out with family and having so much fun!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I know, I'm posting a lot here, but this is what I've been thinking about and I finally am writing it down. So I found out a week ago I like this boy. Now I'm freaking. I didn't know that I liked him until my co-worker and good friend Kim told me, "I think you like him."

I said, "no!"

She replied, "you talked about him all the time."

Well, it turns out I like him, who knew? Well, Kim did (but I didn't). Now what am I going to do? I don't know. The last time I LIKED a boy was five years ago, and he was gay.

What the hell do I do now?

Too fat

So I tell my mom and sister that I lost two more pounds and my mom had to chime in, "That's it?"

I told her coldly, "that's two more pounds, for a total of 9 pounds. I don't want to lose more than two pounds a week so I'm at my goal." Sometimes my mom is not supportive and pretty cruel.


So this weekend my parents wanted to see a movie, and we talked about Avatar, the Blind Side, and Precious. So my mom asks, "What's Precious?"

So I tell her, "it's about a girl moving up, getting an education," and I give her the back ground of the sad story. Then I add that her father rapes her.

My mom sai, "only this ugliness happens in America. In the Philippines maybe it's the stepdad but it would never be a close family member." My sister and I quickly denied this, both knowing she's wrong.

If only she knew, right? Should I have told her then? Or is keeping my mouth shut still the right thing to do? I don't know why it hurt me so much when she makes comments like that, but oh well. Life sucks sometimes, I will do what I always do and get past it.

Vegas, Baby

So much has happened, but Vegas was awesome. A quick recap: I married an Aquifino bottle, drank, partied, and hung out with my sisters! I had an excellent time, but I wish I did the shows. Oh well, nothing is perfect, especially me...

This is a set of pictures with Santa.

My sisters and I ready to have some fun.

Chey being silly with that horse from Toy Story 2, what's his name?

Pretty, and so jealous!

Too bad she didn't win, that would have been fun!

The French Martini, yum, The cake is good too.

Is something on my back?

Go Chey!

Buffet at the Wynn, so good!

All I need is de than it would have been my whole time the search for de.

Chey's first Vegas.

The hotel we stayed at....not the best, but alright.

Funny, I don't remember this, maybe I was up front with the cab driver.

Bye Vegas, we had fun!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A poem

I found this poem I wrote when I was looking for poems for Amy to post for her school.

The Visit Home

Time pivots and memories flash
Innocence lost on a trip to visit where
her family comes from.

The abandoned building, the greenery, the beauty
that is Baguio.
The dirt, the rocks biting in her back
The horror, the danger, and destruction
of this one moment.

Trust lost, and darkness gained.
A spiral of shame
soon to be out of control
The darkest moment this girl will ever know.

Faith tested, dreams lost
Weakness and hate fills her heart
Even with strength she never knew
Is gained from this one moment.

Regrets, commitment issues, an aloofness
A coldness, this girl will always have to deal with
Grows and buries deep
As he forces himself into her innocence.

Her first visit home is forever tainted
Two kids chatting as he leads her
To the worst place I will ever know.