Sunday, June 28, 2009

A moment of weakness

It is funny how certain unrelated events can bring bac memories, good or bad. In my case, yesterday, it was the bad. I was sent back in time and I was 14 years olds and and 2 months and being raped all over again. It has been 13 years and 7 months since it happen and yesterday I had to relive it again.

Most of it is usually hazy, almost like a bad dream that didn't happened. It happened to a naive girl that I have no connection to. A girl who went a little crazy, and did some fun but wild things. A girl who found religion at the age of 17 and it made her face her demons and gave her the strength she was looking for to forgive and to move on.

For the past ten years, I have looked at this event that made me stronger than I would have been. An event, thus far, is the worst I have ever faced. An event that I may have wished didn't happen, but one that I don't regret. The strength I gained from it I am grateful for. The acceptance that I can do anything I want and that I can survive anything is wonderful. I am probably twisted but it doesn't bother me as much as people would believe. I am a survivor, and I am proud that I normally don't wallow in it. Though, there are times when it hits me, few and far between.

Yesterday, when we were driving through the redwoods, I had the clearest, most horrible memory. It was as if it was hidden and waiting to ruin a good day. It stabbed me and left me weak. Emotional pain shot through me. I saw, as if I was back in the Philippines, the abandoned building, the greenery. I saw both of us, two kids chatting, as he lead the stupid girl to the worst place I would ever be. I saw her, a trusting fool, not knowing what was going to happen. And, I saw my innocence ripped away. I couldn't look at the redwoods without remembering.

I hated that I remembered it so clearly, and for the first time in ten years I hated him. As I took a deep breath and went deep into myself I realized I had to face it. And still I hesitated, I forced myself to look at the beauty of nature, to let go of his face, the past, and see the here and now. I had to reaccept what happened, and to forgive him all over again. I feel strong, but there are times when I feel weak and I just want to weep and I wonder what happened to the girl who wanted children, a husband, and happy ever after.

I wonder, maybe just to myself, if it really adds to my commitment issues, my not wanting children, my sexual needs, my not depending on people, and not wanting to have a traditional life. I forget that I love my life and I have no regrets, and I wonder for just a moment, who would I be now?

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